Pick a calm evening rather than the end of an argument, say in one or two sentences what you would like for the two of you, and then ask what your partner thinks about couples therapy before you argue for it. Most hesitation comes from a specific worry: being blamed, the cost, not knowing who to see, or telling a stranger about private things. Once you know which one it is, you can answer that worry instead of the whole subject. If the answer is still no, offering a single consultation, or starting on your own, keeps the door open without pressure.
The six-year figure is weaker than it sounds
Many articles say couples wait six years before getting help, and that by then it is often too late. A 2021 research note looked at this with 270 couples in couples therapy and 101 people in individual therapy for relationship problems. As the Boston University summary of the study reports, people waited about two and a half years from the start of serious problems, and just under two years from the first time they thought about therapy to the first session.
Two things follow from that. You are probably not unusual for having thought about this for a while, and the gap between thinking and booking is where most of the waiting happens. The study's authors wrote it partly to push back on the idea that couples arrive past the point where help is possible.
What stops couples from going, in one study
A 2018 study in the Journal of Family Psychology followed 231 newlywed couples and asked the people who had considered therapy for their relationship, but had not gone, which reasons applied to them. Here are some of the answers:
| Reason given | Husbands | Wives |
|---|---|---|
| Would not know where to get help or who to see | 31% | 43% |
| Could not afford it | 35% | 42% |
| Spouse or partner did not want therapy | 14% | 36% |
| Individual counselling would be more helpful | 27% | 15% |
| Hard to get childcare or time off work | 20% | 20% |
| Did not think it would be kept confidential | 8% | 7% |
| Did not believe therapy would work | 6% | 3% |
The answers came from 49 husbands and 75 wives, all living in lower-income neighbourhoods in the United States, so the exact percentages may not match your situation. What stands out is the order. The most common obstacles were practical ones, such as not knowing where to go, and few people said they doubted therapy itself. A partner's hesitation is often about something you can find out and answer together.
Before you bring it up
- Choose a time when neither of you is tired, rushed or in the middle of a disagreement.
- Write down one sentence about what you want, framed as something for both of you: "I'd like us to stop having the same fight about money" rather than "You never listen".
- Think about what you are willing to look at in yourself. A partner who expects to be put on trial relaxes when they hear that you see your own part too.
- Look up one or two therapists in advance, so the conversation can end with something concrete instead of "we should do something".
- Decide that this first talk is a question, not a decision. You can come back to it in a week.
What to say, depending on the worry
Ask first, then listen for which of these it is. The wording below is only an example: say it the way you would normally speak.
"You just want someone to tell me I'm wrong"
I'm not looking for a referee. I think we both get stuck in the same pattern, me included, and I'd like help seeing it from the outside. A couples therapist works with the relationship, not for one of us.
"We can sort this out ourselves"
We've been trying, and I don't want to give up on that. I'd like to add one thing to it. If we go once and you think it's useless, I'll take that seriously.
"We don't know who to see, and it costs too much"
These were the two most common answers in the study above, and both can be checked rather than argued about. In Ontario, you can confirm that someone is a Registered Psychotherapist through the College's public register status check. Fees and insurance coverage differ between practices and plans, so ask the practice directly and look at what your workplace benefits include. Online sessions, like the ones BridgeMinds offers across Ontario, remove the travel and can make childcare easier to arrange.
I found someone who's registered, and I've written down what a session costs and what our benefits cover. Can we look at it together?
"I don't want a stranger knowing our business"
That makes sense. You don't have to say anything you're not ready to say. We could ask in the first call how privacy works and what stays between us and the therapist.
Asking how confidentiality works, and where its legal limits are, is a reasonable question before any first session, and a therapist can answer it in plain words.
If the answer is no for now
- Ask what would turn the no into a maybe: a different therapist, a different time, a first call without a commitment.
- Leave it for a while. Pressing the same point every day tends to make it a new thing to argue about.
- Offer a free consultation call as a smaller step. It is a conversation about fit, not the start of a course of sessions.
- Consider starting on your own. The couples page of BridgeMinds notes that one or both partners may also benefit from individual therapy. Looking at your own side of the pattern is something you can do whatever your partner decides.
- Notice whether the refusal is part of a wider pattern of your needs being dismissed. If it is, that is worth talking through with someone, whatever happens with this question.
An ultimatum used to win an argument makes therapy feel like a penalty to the person who agrees under pressure. If you have genuinely reached a limit, saying so calmly and honestly is different from using it as a lever, and it is something you can think through in your own sessions first.
How BridgeMinds works with couples
The couples therapy service at BridgeMinds supports partners who want to improve communication and rebuild trust, drawing on approaches such as emotionally focused therapy, CBT and ACT. Carolina Vintu, PhD, Registered Psychotherapist, works online with clients across Ontario, in English, Russian or Romanian. If you and your partner come from different backgrounds, the article on multicultural relationships may also help. When a partner is hesitant, a first conversation can be simply about questions: you are welcome to book a free 15-minute consultation, alone or together.
